Phantasm
by Szept
Summary: If she could just give all the pain back. If it only were so simple.
1. Headache

Director Piggot's job is a daily source of headache and frustration, it is a fact that everyone is aware of if not exactly appreciative of the way she handles the stress, and that's on 'good' days, when nothing especially troublesome (meaning more than usual) happens. Today is not a good day, one could venture as far as to say that the last couple of days were the bad ones. The woman in charge of local PRT is unlikely to voice it aloud but thoughts like this have surfaced in her mind when the first report related to her new source of ire came through two days prior.

Two dead. Twenty seven in coma, five still in effect. Seventy two more affected being the cause of seven car crashes and as such five more injured, two of whom are being hospitalized until Panacea comes back to the city to make sure this mess doesn't affect the PR any more than it has to.

The whole incident lasted approximately four or five minutes before abruptly stopping, though another two minor events happened that seem to be connected with the first one albeit not even remotely as harmful, just more headaches and stomach pains around docks causing yet more accidents, thankfully without more people being injured.

All of that leads Piggot to believe that a new cape has surfaced in the city, most likely recently triggered, it's possible that the whole thing was exactly that, a trigger event. While some villains do happen to indulge in random acts of violence, this just doesn't feel like it. What with the fact that the cape responsible was not even spotted and that two further outbursts were not nearly as long lasting as the first one nor were there any more bodies left behind. Even if they were no less painful for people in general area. That they both were much shorter points to couple of things.

First- the perpetrator most likely did not intend for any of this to happen and was trying to control his power. Two deaths presumably a result of shock and whatever it was that caused this whole mess in the first place, probably the dead themselves.

Second- he can't control this power too well, leading the director to believe that this was a trigger since it is the first sighting of this sort of abilities around.

And third, possibly the most important. This new cape is dangerous, extremely so if this was indeed just an accident on his part. A scowl forms on her face as she thinks of possible ways this sort of power can be used. Subduing criminals? Maybe, it could be quite effective yes, if bad for PR. Only that there are many more ways to misuse it, the foremost of them being torture, terrorism, subduing civilians on big scale, subduing anyone really who doesn't posses a high pain threshold.

At least the power itself doesn't seem to be lethal, though putting someone into a coma leaves every opportunity for causing further harm open. And this cape is obviously capable of going there as the multiple stab wounds on both bodies clearly show. So the lethality factor doesn't really matter, then again, it is possible that the power may actually kill. They just don't know enough about this new cape to really tell what is he capable of beside inducing what victims have called 'unimaginable pain', she suspects many have exaggerated since civilians don't really know what unimaginable pain is most of the time, still, that it actually managed to put people into coma is unnerving. For now PRT has classified him as a Shaker/Stranger that warrants attention of local superheroes.

While the nature of powers is still largely an unknown, how they are received, why are they received, why a specific power is gained and so forth. From Piggot's experience, a cape that can cause this sort of damage could not have had a cheerful life, and the trigger itself while always unpleasant must have been even worse.

In short, the woman fully expects a new villain to show up relatively soon, having an ability like this doesn't really inspire to become a hero, starting a cape life with death tool doesn't inspire to become a hero.

That said, it doesn't mean they're not going to try getting the new cape on their side. They waited long enough to see if more outbursts will happen, none did. So they're not dealing with a villain quite yet. She somehow can't imagine this cape becoming a rogue, so they need to find him and somehow coerce into joining Protectorate, under prohibition rules maybe. With a threat of Birdcage looming over his head in case of refusing, for the killing of two people. It could either work or backfire completely.

Either way, PRT can't have a cape like this on the loose, they need to be careful handling this, only using threats as a last measure. And the Birdcage while a possibility is not a necessity. She doesn't yet know enough to know what sort of prison would fit the need but it will depend on circumstances of the murder if the worst comes to be and they will have to subdue him.

She puts a finishing touch on instructions she's been working on and presses the button of the microphone.

"Get me Armsmaster when he's back. I've got the file ready."

* * *

><p>The tears came and gone hours ago, leaving Taylor curled into a ball on her bed, having no idea what to do with herself. She had a plan this morning, she didn't really have one in a long time, just living from one day to another without hope for better tomorrow. So today is marked with a touch of novelty. In both that she actually planned something and how spectacularly it blew up in her face. She would laugh at her own stupidity if she wasn't so absolutely exhausted, first with the... thing, as she calls it for now and then with her frantic escape followed by hours of crying until she fell asleep. It didn't help much to ease her mind but at least she doesn't feel like the pain will burst through her skin again. And that was precisely what it felt like and what her mind told her before seemingly blacking out. To let the pain go, to make them feel it.<p>

She didn't control it, didn't think nor tried to really when the two men kept beating the ever-living shit out of her. It was... a stupid thing to do- what she had done, there are so many things she could have done, should have done if she really wanted to. Leaving anything to anyone too often leads to disappointment and pain. This was the case here, she couldn't, can't let her father know, it seemed like a good idea to leave it in someone's else hands, to spare dad the pain of self loathing she knows he would feel.

So she got rid of all her evidence, the notebooks the emails, all of it. So that nothing would be found that could lead him to think he had failed, that it was his fault.

It all feels so pointless right now, in the end she didn't, couldn't go through with it, or maybe she could if it just wasn't so- twisted, painful, if it didn't remind her so much of torment she went through daily. No matter the reason, she killed two people and that is a fact, no amount of reasoning on her part can change it.

Yes she wasn't herself, yes she was defending herself.

Yes, she killed two people, when she came to her senses all she knew was the pain from the beating and slashes she took, from the headache and injured lungs. And that there was blood, blood that nobody but her could have spilled. The idea that she can be sent to Birdcage didn't come up until she woke up, that she gained power was not on front of her mind until then. It left her shaking when it did come.

The rest is a daze. People on the ground, smashed cars, the way everyone else doubled over when a particularly nasty pain spike shot through her body. It didn't really connect with her until she threw herself on the bed that she has killed. That she has powers and that her abdomen is torn open, in that order. She was a mess, after puking her guts out she had nothing else in mind but to cry, at nothing specific, she just wanted to ignore everything and cry, and that's exactly what she did.

Maybe she was still in shock.

Another idiocy, she needs to clean up the mess she has made, wipe the blood of the sink, throw out her torn and bloodied clothes, shower to scrub dried blood off her... everything really. There is just so much of it. Her headache isn't receding any but she has noticed something else after waking up. Namely, a scar in place of the jagged gash in her right side, she slept no more than three hours and she knows, remembers that it was a wound that left unattended would kill her. In her exhaustion she completely forgot about it, or maybe it was already halfway done healing and just not bothering her so much as to make itself a major bother.

It's fascinating that she manages to feel frustration at the fact that her new healing factor leaves scars, at least the bruises are gone so she won't have to explain herself to dad. All the things that happened and she is upset about a scar. It's ridiculous.

She gathers up what will she has and forces herself off the bed. She's done feeling bad, she's just empty now, moving like a machine through practiced motions as she cleans the incriminating brown patches left all over the bathroom, then takes a shower, changes and decides to just hide the dirty clothes in her room as the garbage truck won't come for another couple of days and she doesn't want anyone to find bloodied clothes in the trash can. Maybe she will burn them, somewhere.

She checks the hour to see that it will still be hours before dad comes back from work. Taylor is not sure she can talk to him, not today, not like this. She has become rather detached the last couple of months, she knows. The locker thing was just one of many cruel 'pranks' that she had to deal with. It is a lot more safe, a lot more tranquil to just not think about it, but every time she sees her father his eyes keep reminding her how much anguish she causes him with her problems. As if it is his fault that those bitches torment her.

That's on normal days, she can keep up enough pretenses for him not to wither from worry. That's why she went to the docks this morning instead of school, because if she didn't, if she had done it herself he would never forgive himself. This way he would, eventually. It's a cruel thing to do but prolonging this did not seem any less so. Now?

Now she has no idea what to do. It doesn't feel... much different to be honest, the emptiness that she 's been feeling for so long did not disappear but there is something she had not experienced in a long time, it's faint but it's there, along with fear and disgust.

Hope.

Some hope it is, she's a cape. How many times did the girl fantasize about being one she can't even remember. And when she finally gets to be one, what is it that she can do? She's not sure to be honest, the world went blank when she thought she was about to die, or worse. And when she got away there were unconscious people everywhere, mostly close to the block but the way some of others were writhing on ground... She knows only that somehow it was she who made them suffer like that. But how? Taylor didn't consciously think about it back then, she was hurt too and all she wanted was just to get home, get somewhere safe. And she can't easily learn about her powers, they would attract the sort of attention she doesn't want. Her stomach twists as she realizes that there are only two ways to find out what she can do. Or rather two ways she can think of right now. How long will she be out? Should she leave a note for dad? Or eat something?

She's hungry, she shouldn't be, not so early anyway. Normally she would still be in school and even without lunch, it shouldn't be like this. But she has a feeling she would only vomit what she'd eat right back out. Pointless, it's better to skip a meal or two and not having to deal with bile. She grabs a packet of painkillers and pops one pill into mouth, then heads out the house, this time taking the pepper spray, and after some consideration a kitchen knife.

She's not sure if she wants to know but does she really have any choice?

* * *

><p>"So... this all we got on him? Seriously?" The question's been on everyone's mind but only Clockblocker decides to voice his frustration on the matter. "I mean it's been two days, what were the guys doing? Picking their collective a-"<p>

"Language! Please," cuts in Vista.

"Just saying, not much to go around you know?"

Aegis groans silently, he can agree that the file from Piggot is annoyingly lacking but that's only because there was nothing else to pick up on. He lifts the file to the front of his eyes to go over its content again, trying to memorize it.

**Phantom Pain; real name unknown **(temporary/susceptible to change) (inside use only)

**Disposition: **unknown (?)

**Classification:** Shaker 5/Stranger 2 (?/? at least) (temporary/susceptible to change)

**Last known location: **Brockton Bay

**Sex: **unknown (?)

**Height: **unknown (?)

**Appearance: **unknown

No previous record. First appearance involved one hundred and one (**101**) civilian victims. Among which: two (**2**) deaths (stab wounds, knife left on scene, no matches for fingerprints), twenty seven (**27**) temporary comas, five (**5**) injured in the resulting chaos, sixty seven (**67**) affected by power without further injuries. Incident lasted between four (**4**) and five (**5**) minutes.

Power includes (unknown if limited to) causing physical pain in victims (no damage to body), causing temporary mental exhaustion, both to the point of putting victims into temporary coma (unknown if lethal or causing prolonged damage). Victims complaining about crippling headache, muscle aches, stomach pains, also describing sensation similar to stab wounds or bite wounds.

**Instructions: **Call for backup when spotted. Approach with caution. Non-lethal force use authorization for contact on stand-by. PRT and Cape forces to propose position in Protectorate/Ward Program. Advising to appear non-threatening, possibly a new cape. If met with refusal, guarantee pardon for caused damage. If met with refusal, non-lethal force use authorized. Cape too dangerous to be left as rogue or to become a villain.

If turned villain, non-lethal force use authorized on contact.

"-that it's going to be a serious pain in the... back, to be on lookout for a shadow case."

"Well at least damage control is solid, rather precise numbers for once," mutters Gallant.

"Impressive though," adds Kid Win. "I mean a hundred without being spotted?"

"I'm not really sure about that part with offering position in Wards or Protectorate. I mean he killed two people." Vista's voice is tinted with concern.

"That's all under consideration. He will only join up if it was trigger accident, or something like that, we're not taking a cold blooded murderer into our ranks don't worry," answers Aegis.

"I just don't like this," grumbles Clockblocker. "This kind of power is screwed up, and we don't know the extent of it, I mean seriously. "He picks the page up to read out loud. "Crippling headache? Stab wounds? That's just nasty."

Nobody disagrees.

* * *

><p>Taylor's gaze is empty as she observes the cat writhe in front of her as she sits on a demolished bench overlooking the bay. She drops her head into hands.<p>

"Sorry little guy," she whispers.

The girl lets the poor animal go, watching for a moment as it bolts away in panic. Her eyes then switch to the cut on her left arm, just under the rolled up sleeve, it's deeper than she probably should have made it, but she just wanted to see how much damage she can do without loosing control over her power and arm. The pulsating pain in her head is still just as annoying as it was two hours before, it should have faded already, at least it didn't get any stronger, she can't exactly ignore it but it's not crippling either.

Her arm on the other hand... the wound feels like a scratch, well, maybe a tiniest bit more than a scratch but definitely not like an inch deep and five inches long gash should feel like, an annoyance at worst, although her whole arm has gone numb, cold and heavy, leading Taylor to believe that while her reception of pain is greatly changed, her body is not at all more durable, she's not about to check if her more important insides can knit back together as well as muscles and skin did. Which must be said, have not done so perfectly.

She leans back on the bench and lets out a humorless chuckle.

Fate has a cruel sense of humor to grant her power capable of hurting others, but only if she's willing to do the same to herself. It's not something she could very well use as a hero, not the sort of power kids dream about having. Vigilante? Maybe.

_Or a villain._

She shakes head violently wishing her mind to stop supplying such thoughts, it causes the headache to spike for a moment, leaving her scowling in pain. Lets not even go there. She doesn't want to hurt people, not innocent at least, seeing as she doesn't seem to have much choice what with the nature of her power.

Would the wards let her join anyway? Do they allow murderers in?

Her stomach churns when the image of mutilated, unmoving bodies resurfaces in mind. She hugs herself, trying to dismiss the memory, afraid that she will dry heave again if she doesn't stop. The scene showed up almost as if before her eyes couple of times already, forcing her to stop and vomit at first, then only heave as there is nothing left in her gut.

But she doesn't cry, doesn't want to anymore.

Her tired gaze rests on the arm again, silently watching with morbid curiosity as the wound closes itself over the next hour. Leaving but a silver scar.

* * *

><p>The idea of a power tied to self mutilation hit me hard and I just couldn't get over it. I sometimes wonder how it came to be that I love this sort of stuff so much.<p> 


	2. Anesthesia

**Topic: New cape in Brockton Bay?**

Taylor hesitates for a moment before steeling herself for whatever she finds inside and opening the tab.

It's been two days since she triggered and she only managed to force herself to go to the library because she absolutely has to. She needs to know what the public knows of what happened, maybe there was something in the local news but she didn't watch it, new capes show up often enough that people don't make big deal out of it. For some damage to be done in process is not exactly a rare thing to occur. Still, she might have been mentioned in a broadcast simply because of the scale, while the girl was not in the right state of mind to count exactly how many people she affected that day, it must have been at least dozens.

The last couple days have been... hard. She did not go to school yesterday but thankfully won't miss out anything today since the weekend has started. She didn't tell her father about her skipping though, he would ask why and- she's quite frankly not sure if she can deal with anyone at all at the moment. Keeping up the facade in front of her father yesterday morning had been hard enough. She refused to deal with it today and pretended to sleep in. She didn't really sleep if she counts out passing out just after the incident and yesterday when she was further testing the extent of her abilities. She just can't, her headache- migraine really, keeps her from deep sleep and only allows for something similar to passing in and out of conscience, probably only because she's too tired for her body to refuse even such mockery of rest.

She also had a lot on her mind, still does. Most of it naturally connected to being a cape. She didn't feel like returning home that day after figuring out what can she do. And she certainly was not going to see how far can she go. She contemplated doing just that, yes, but ultimately couldn't even force herself to get off the bench she sat on. She wasted the reminder of the day there, dazed, shocked, sad. Feeling betrayed by the world.

She always dreamed of having powers, who hasn't? What girl did not want to be like Alexandria? Not that she hoped to get Alexandria Package, no, just something that she could use to escape her day life. She had no illusions why she wished for powers. Escapism. If she could help people while forgetting about her troubles? Even better, but the main reason was that she just wanted a reprieve from the day to day misery her bullies put her through at every opportunity.

Figures that she triggered just when she decided she could no longer put up with it, of course she would get a power that denies her even small comfort of momentary escape from suffering. One thing that had the potential to somehow change her life happened, and in doing so, only made things even worse.

Taylor's tired eyes sluggishly skim through the forum topic, it's not long. Consisting of only three pages and some speculation on the possible new cape in the city. First post beginning with one of her victims account from Thursday's events and suggestion that a new cape is responsible for this. No mention of murder thankfully, PRT must have covered that up. Logically, Taylor knows it was but a formality for them to arrive on site but it wasn't really on the forefront of her mind. She wonders what exactly have they found out.

She can't feel it but her heart rate picks up a notch as she opens a new tab to Parahumans Online in order to search for anything related with what she found out about her powers but finds nothing connected to her trigger using the most obvious two words, pain and Brockton. Relieved, she comes back to the forum to read more posts.

Maybe they just haven't yet gathered enough information about her to put it on Parahumans, not that there is much to know beside the fact she apparently caused property damage and landed some people in hospital, she winces as she reads that bit. She vaguely remembers seeing some crashes on her way back home but didn't really think about them, she feels guilty and it makes her sick. Emotionally, it is perhaps important to add.

Not much more in the thread than couple more victims describing what they felt during the incident. Splitting headache, sensation of being beaten up, terrible pain in their abdomen, like a cut or stab. Only much worse.

She closes the browser when she sees unanimous conclusion that it must have been a new villain playing with people. Not in the mood to depress herself by reading further.

She instinctively wraps arms around herself before remembering that it doesn't bring her any comfort anymore. She hasn't really noticed it before returning home in the late evening when dad gave her a hug, seeing the apathetic state she was in. He was worrying, she knew he was worrying but she simply couldn't find it in herself to go home and confront him after... well after what she had planned on that day. Her stomach clenches at the thought of how much trouble she is for him. She tried to make his life easier, she did! And look where that got her. Will he be in trouble if she is recognized as the murderer? She needs to read some on the topic, she should have done that two days ago but instead she just moped and caused him even more heartache like the excuse for a daughter she is. Seeing her state he let her go to 'sleep' without having to answer him until morning, it was... an awkward morning. She lied, obviously, he noticed, obviously and in spite of it only gave her his support.

She doesn't deserve him.

She lets her arms fall down and after a moment of thought stands up to look for a book concerning human biology. Regardless of her feelings on the matter, she needs to find out as much as she can about her power and it seems like precise knowledge of human body is a good thing to start with.

She puts an unruly strand of hair behind her ear, more out of habit than anything else. It used to irk the girl at times when hair tickled her cheeks. But even if it still does it she just can't feel it anymore. She can't feel anything anymore, anything physical that is not an extreme to be precise. Things like touch, minor wounds, her own body cues. She ran yesterday morning, for miles without stopping until she fallen over and couldn't move for some time, she waved it off as an illness she has when a concerned passerby wanted to call an ambulance, it isn't technically untrue she supposes.

She doesn't tire, or more precisely, she doesn't know if she tires. Her body feels as if it isn't there, she can't feel the air she breaths, muscles she flexes, anything at all that isn't strong enough to get through the near anesthesia that her power causes. Like serious wounds and her migraine. She wonders just how splitting the headache that she caused the people around her trigger was. The way she barely feels anything seems to also apply to her migraine if words of her victims are to be believed. Though of all the things to feel, that one is strong enough that she can't easily ignore it. Not truly painful but enough to disturb her sleep and thoughts. It doesn't seem to have diminished at all even after two days.

She hasn't yet checked on the other end of the spectrum, doesn't dare to, doesn't want to know. Isn't ready for it. She only knows for sure that her power robbed her of ever feeling the sensation of feathery touches, holding hands, hugs, kisses... She hasn't even had her first kiss yet and she won't be able... she...

She chokes back a sob.

It is as if world wants to prove her wrong every time she dares to hope that things might get better. Giving her some sort of screwed up masochistic power and permanent senses damage so that she can mutilate her body to heart's desire. She even gets to have scars, she just couldn't have gotten a healing factor strong enough to at least not leave her scarred.

No, that would have been too much to compensate for crushing her innermost hopes.

She wipes her nose with a sleeve after detachedly noticing the lack of air flow through it. A thought crosses her mind that one day she will just forget that she has to breathe. It's noticeable for now as her body automatically makes sure to have a steady supply of air but she can't help but wonder if it will last. It wouldn't surprise her if it wouldn't, given how wonderful gift has her power has been till now.

And now she's crying again. Pathetic, she told herself she wouldn't cry two days ago and she broke that promise right after lying down to 'sleep'. Apparently her emotions finally catching up with the day. Damn it where are her tissues?

At least she can still smell things. It is not the case with taste, aside from aroma, food is as bland as stale bread can never even compete to be. Taylor wonders if hunger is also affected by her power or not. If she were to guess, her regeneration probably burns through a lot of energy. Question is, is her stomach left unaffected by her anesthesia? And when she feels hungry, is she simply hungry or actually slowly starving to death?

She will know soon enough if her weight drops.

She wipes the tears off her face and blows the nose after finding the tissues, nobody pays her any attention, there aren't many people here to begin with, and nobody else is looking for something on anatomy. Not that there is a high chance someone would ask her what's wrong if they saw a crying girl. What problems can a teenager like her have? Bad breakup? Taylor is both dismayed and relieved by that, what would she say anyway?

Funny thing? When she got a hang of directing her power onto singled out targets she began trying small things on humans. Like tickling, she felt downright abysmal when she realized that she can tickle someone by performing the action on herself, but only her target actually feels anything.

She stopped the lighthearted pranks after that. They didn't make her feel better at all. Just the reverse actually.

What she used to get reactions out of pedestrians were needles. At least they don't leave scarring wounds, as a matter of fact the damage left by them heals in no more than couple minutes. She impaled her fingers and even a palm on them, driving needles straight through. the later making her feel vaguely uncomfortable but most likely due to mental discomfort with the idea of sticking a needle through her hand rather than actual pain. People she used it on though were a different matter, needles don't cause much pain but enough to be noticeable, it would have been amusing to watch them if her mood wasn't already so down the drain.

She stopped her examination for the time being when she for some reason thought it would be good idea to see how much a reaction she can get out of her body by shoving a knife through her leg, grazing a bone in the process. She heard that femur hurts like absolute bitch and she must agree, it does. She can only imagine how bad it must have been for the birds that simply fallen from the tree under which she was sitting. Good thing she anticipated that she wouldn't be able to control it very well. If she used that in more populated space... well that wouldn't have ended very well.

She only realized she passed out when she woke up, the wound already mostly healed, though her pants ripe for washing, she pulled them back over the wound before loosing consciousness. Out in the city.

Out of all the stupid things she could have done, she passed out in the crime ridden city. Granted, not the worst area of it but it was still just inviting a tragedy to happen upon her. Again.

As if she cares.

She finally finds what she's been looking for and heads to the library checkout, she's not in mood to study it now. Besides, loaning it is probably a better idea since she will be able to make more detailed notes as she can check some of the theory on herself.

She leaves for home, many thoughts swirling in her mind. The most important one being, what now?

She gave being a hero some though but is honestly not sure if she can find it in herself to go out into the night to ultimately hurt herself. While her regeneration is useful, it is just accelerated version of a normal human's. She could potentially take out simple goons thanks to that, if she were to learn hand to hand combat or get some sort of ranged weapon but in the end, without her... other powers she is just a normal human in a fight. A normal teenage girl. What chance does she have against the gangs muscles?

Actually, scratch that. Being a hero is one hell of a tall call while she's not even sure if she wants to be a cape. Not that she has much choice here but she could simply try and make the most of what's left of her life without ruining herself any further. However little of a life is there left to salvage.

Nobody can fault her for that.

Nobody but herself.

* * *

><p>Oh Taylor, you're just not made to be happy. And man oh man, I'm just getting started.<p>

I wonder to how many other characters and powers will my Taylor be compared to... funny thing is that I did not take the idea from anywhere else, though I do suppose it's not really that original.

Also, please refrain from calling poor Taylor an emo :( She's just been dealt a hand that pretty much fucked her life, but don't worry I won't have her start wearing heavy makeup and so on. She's depressed but not going to make a lifestyle out of it, give her time to get over the changes :p


End file.
